*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
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Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it