That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.