I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday