[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME