I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.