[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Feels like the fourth month in January
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe