Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
looks legit
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.