Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.