I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Every work call, he judges.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”