craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
A leaf blower, but for people.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber