The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Your honor these allegations are
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.