It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
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Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I have so many questions.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
“Wait, let me explain..”
Beware of fowl play.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.