Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
😂 amazing answer
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.