I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I just tested negative for patience.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Mhm.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.