Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?