They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Watermelon Boss!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE