Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Battery falling down a hole
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you