When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: