*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.