Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
3% human
97% stress
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My safe word is Worcestershire
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now