Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The first matador
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.