me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war