[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.