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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*