If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
What?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets