My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.