[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
😩😩😩
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.