I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
when someone rings the doorbell
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.