God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car