you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I don’t know what to do
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”