Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
got so much cardio in today
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?