WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?