The only equipped I am is ill.
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Put this video in the Louvre
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.