*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*has no idea what a book even is*
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together