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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I’m not lazy
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.