I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
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TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence