Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.