ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Air pods looking like an angry frog
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.