Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
You Might Also Like
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool