Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down