I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
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[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
felt that
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha