Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.