I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*