The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
spot the difference
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
never deleting this app.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.