My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I love the National Park Service.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.