Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
If only.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat