Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.