the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.