When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
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EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.