Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2